The agonies of love, are many and varied. Each person has his or her own character and personality, background and circumstances. No set rule applies equally to everyone. In addition, everyone is perfectly free to fall in love or be attracted to someone. Whom a person dates is also a matter of personal choice. Essentially, no one has any right to meddle in your private affairs. As one who has many years of experience, however, I want to stress at the outset how important it is to not lose sight of pursuing your own personal development.
Love should be a force that helps expand your lives and bring forth your innate potential with a fresh and dynamic vitality. That is the ideal but, as the saying "love is blind" illustrates, people often lose all objectivity when they fall in love.
If you are neglecting the things you should be doing, forgetting your purpose in life because of the relationship you're in, then you're on the wrong path. A healthy relationship is one in which two people encourage each others hopes and dreams. A relationship should be a source of inspiration, invigoration and hope. Dante Alighieri (1265-1321), one of the greatest Western poets, had as his source of inspiration a young woman named Beatrice, whom he loved from afar since childhood. One day, after years spent apart, the eighteen year old Dante ran into her again on the street. He later composed a poem about his joy at that encounter, titled "Revitalization." In his struggle to convey his feelings for this young woman, he created a new poetic form. Without a doubt, Beatrice unlocked Dante's artistic potential.
|by Dante Gabriel Rossetti titled "Beata Beatrix" 1872, using the image of his beloved late wife Elizabeth Siddal as the symbolic embodiment of the death of Beatrice from the "Vita Nuova" by the poet Dante|
She would remain, however, an unrequited love, for she married another man and then died at an early age. But Dante never ceased loving her. Ultimately, that love enabled him to strengthen, elevate and deepen the capacity of his heart into something truly noble and sublime. In his masterpiece, The Divine Comedy, Dante depicts Beatrice as a gentle, benevolent being who guides him to Heaven.
Of course, Dante lived in a different age and different country from us. But I think many things are to be learned from this great poet who stayed true to his feelings, whether they were reciprocated or not, and transformed them into his guiding inspiration in his life. I truly believe that love must be a positive impetus for our lives, the driving force that rouses us to live courageously.
There are many views on love as there are people. So don't think we can find a blanket policy on love that will win everyone's consensus. Love is a complex matter that reflects each person's attitude and philosophy toward life. That is why I believe people shouldn't get involved in relationships lightly.
The late Chinese premier Zhou Enlai and his wife, Madame Deng Yingchao, were admired far and wide as a model couple. Though sadly both have died, they always treated my wife and me warmly. When her husband died, Madame Deng placed the words Zhou Enhai, comrade in arms next to his coffin. "comrade in arms"- what profound feelings were infused in that. It speaks volumes about their mutual commitment, the respect that had for each other as comrade, and their side by side struggle for the realization of a great goal. Perhaps for example this will offer those of you who are contemplating love something to think about.
Rather than becoming so love struck that you create a world where only the two of you exist, it is much healthier to learn from those aspects of your partner that you respect and admire and continue to make efforts to improve and develop yourself. Antoine de Saint-Exupery, the author of The Little Prince, once wrote, "Love us not two people gazing at each other, but two people looking ahead in the same direction." It follows then that relationships last longer when both partners share similar values and beliefs.
Please don't succumb to the view that love is the be-all and end-all, deluding yourselves that as long as you are in love, nothing else matters. Nor, I hope, nothing else matters.. Nor, I hope, will you buy into the misguided notion that sinking ever deeper into a painful and destructive relationship is somehow cool.
All too often, when a relationship ends, the great passion it once inspired seems nothing more than an illusion. The things learned through studying, on the other hand, are much more permanent. It is important, therefore, that you never extinguish the flame of your intellectual curiosity.
It is demeaning to constantly seek your partner's approval. Such relationships are bereft of real caring, depth ot even love. For those of you who find yourselves in relationships where you are not treated the way your heart says you should be. I hope you will have the courage and dignity to decide that you are better off risking the scorn of your partner than enduring unhappiness with him or her.
Real love is not two people clinging to each other; it can only be fostered between two strong people secure in their individuality. A shallow person will have only shallow relationships. If you want to experience real love, it is important to first sincerely develop a strong self-identity.
True love is not about doing whatever the other person wants you to do or pretending you are something you're not. If someone genuinely loves you, he or she will not force you to do anything against your will nor embroil you in some dangerous activity.
No matter how much you may appear to be enjoying yourselves now, or how serious you think you are about your relationship, if you allow your love life to consume all your time and energy to the detriment of your growth, then you're just playing a game. And if you're playing games, then your life will just be that, a game.
Regardless of how large a number is, if multiplied by zero, it will inevitably come to zero. To have a relationship that wipes out the value in your life is truly sad.
You are only letting yourselves down if you succumb to unhealthy obsessions in your youth or are so blinded by love that you can't see anything else. No matter what, you must always do your best to live courageously. You mustn't be weak-hearted. Youth is a time for advancing bravely into the future. You must not veer off course or fall behind or hide in the shadows.
-from Discussions on Youth, vol.1, pp, 113-35
Living Buddhism, Mar-Apr 2006