Relationships and How to Have Happy Ones

Hell in relationships comes from trying to change the behavior of anyone other than yourself. When we exercise self-control, beginning with becoming happy within ourselves, we have the ability to move the hearts of others. It is only when we stop trying to control others that we gain the power to actually influence them. For example, have you ever found yourself saying "You're making me angry – stop doing that" to people whose behavior disturbs or frustrates you? The implication of that statement, "You're making me angry", is that somehow you don't have control of your anger, they do. And since you have ceded them the control and power, it is their behavior that must change if your anger is to be eliminated. But, of course, you don't control their behavior, so the more you try to do so, the angrier you get.

Not that all anger is bad. There are, of course, real situations of injustice in which anger is appropriate. Even in such cases, however, self-control is the key to influencing change. Buddhism teaches us that in response to any situation, depending on the choices we make, we find ourselves in one of the Ten Worlds: Hell, Hunger, Animality, Anger, Tranquility, Rapture, Learning, Realization, Bodhisattva or Buddhahood. Recognizing that we are choosing and taking responsibility for those choices empowers us to choose our life state, It give us our control back.


The Downside of Expectations

Expectations are important. Research indicates that children develop only as far as the expectations of the adults around them. But expectations can also destroy good relationships. We have expectations of other people. We expect them to be good husbands, good wives, good children, good friends, good bosses and so on. These expectations are sometimes higher than our expectations of ourselves.

While every situations is unique, there is at least one common but subtle delusion at work here, a delusion that is a challenge to all of us in our relationships with significant others, family, friends. The problem is that although we are motivated by the best intentions, the other person often hears from us a steady stream of criticism and disappointment. This is not encouraging, and in spite of the love in our hearts, the other person becomes unresponsive, even rebellious. The problem here is that although the heart is in the right place, we lack wisdom. Motivated by love but lacking wisdom, we get a response to our efforts that is the opposite of what we expected. Once this downward trend begins, unfortunately, it is difficult to reverse.

People do not respond well to criticism and negativity. Does that mean we simply have to settle for something less? No, it means, once again, that we're trying to change the wrong person. If we want people to do more, we need to praise and appreciate what they are already doing for us. Pay attention to the positives, and not what you feel is missing. People love appreciation and will try very hard to get it. Making these two the basis of all your relationships can have a powerful and encouraging influence. For the gardener of relationships, they are like sunlight and water. People will strive and thrive when they are praised and appreciated.

Criticism and disappointment create a dark environment, a garden where relationships cannot thrive. It is a major delusion to think that others will be motivated by criticism. Nichiren wrote: "When praised, one does not consider his personal risk, and when criticized, he can recklessly cause his own ruin. Such is the way of common mortals."

In any relationship, we must keep our power, developing a strong self-identity and the ability to be happy on the inside. Standing alone upon the firm foundation of our own happiness, we can then seek out and nurture contributive, sharing relationships, relationships in which we give our love freely without attachments and expectations. We are not needy of the other. Nor are we addicted to the other. A relationship between two such people brings a deep and abiding love.
Before going out to look for a contributive partner, we must first strive to develop that ability within ourselves. Only then will it be possible to draw forth and nurture the same quality in others.

Happiness is not something that someone else can give us.
Seleus

Challenging our Weakness

Challenging our weakness is the key to believing in ourselves
By Linda C. Johnson, SGI-USA Vice General Director, Los Angeles (from Living Buddhism, January 2003) 

“I had to ask myself whether I truly believed in the power of my prayer to break through my own fears and insecurities.”

I want to unconditionally love myself. I want to embrace every part of me. I want to believe, without reservation, that my life is Nam-myohorenge-kyo itself. My challenge is to believe these things amidst the realities of my daily life. It is a struggle, I believe, all of us face every day.

As I prepared to write this article, my deepest insecurities and fears emerged. I wondered: “What could I say that will inspire someone?” I bathed in those feelings; they enveloped me. As a consequence, I could not write a single word. I turned to prayer, chanting to be able to write an article that would encourage others and help them break through the deadlocks in their lives. But my doubts lingered. I fought them continuously, during the day whenever they arose, as well as when I sat chanting in front of the Gohonzon. In spite of how I was feeling, I poured my entire life into encouraging others during meetings and guidance sessions. I told them that, with faith, they had the power to do anything. In the meantime, I remained stuck.

It was as a result of my fervent prayer that I realized I would never be able to write anything as long as I permitted myself to hold on to the doubt in my ability to write an article that would encourage others. I turned to “Reply to Kyo’o,” one of my favorite writings by Nichiren Daishonin. In it, the Daishonin tells us: “Believe in this mandala with all your heart. Nam-myohorenge-kyo is like the roar of a lion. What sickness can therefore be an obstacle?” (The Writings of Nichiren Daishonin, p. 412).

I had to ask myself whether I truly believed in the power of my prayer to break through my own fears and insecurities. I prayed sincerely to trust what Nichiren Daishonin was telling me. I also prayed to have unshakeable confidence that, with prayer as my foundation, I could overcome my doubts and write an inspiring article. My doubt, however, did not disappear instantly. There were times while I was chanting that it felt as if every cell in my body wanted to run away. The television was calling me. The telephone was ringing. I had chores to do. I returned to “Reply to Kyo’o”: “A sword is useless in the hands of a coward. The mighty sword of the Lotus Sutra must be wielded by one courageous in faith. Then one will be as strong as a demon armed with an iron staff. I, Nichiren, have inscribed my life in sumi ink, so believe in the Gohonzon with your whole heart” (WND, 412).

This was my answer. I had to muster the courage to confront my fear. No matter how painful my current situation, I could not back down. For days, I continued to challenge my insecurity with prayer while immersing myself in activities to help others overcome their problems. Then, the day before I was scheduled to submit my article, I had my breakthrough. I had finally understood why I had been going through so much agony. The issue wasn’t the article. I needed to confront my own doubt, my own lack of belief in my inherent power to challenge and win over my fears and insecurities.

Whether we are writing an article, facing illness, being terminated from a job or looking for our soul mate, the process is the same. We must transform our weaknesses into strengths. We must face our suffering and triumph over it. This experience became the catalyst for me to explain how one uses faith to transform challenging daily life situations into an uncompromising opportunity for growth. This, I believe, is the essence of the concept of the oneness of good and evil.

Nichiren Buddhism makes it clear that everything and everyone in life has both a good and an evil side. I know that some people have an immediate negative response to the word evil. Evil also is synonymous with the words selfishness and self-centeredness. Life at every moment is a battle between these two opposing forces of good and evil. In other words, when we manifest our Buddhahood, it does not mean that our self-centeredness goes away. Instead, our ability to continue to uncover more of our potential is directly related to our ability to create value using the self-centered side, rather than allowing it to affect us negatively. In other words, the impact that our own self-centeredness or that of others will have on us is based on our response to it.

In Webster’s New World Dictionary, one of the definitions of respond is “to have a positive or favorable reaction.” This definition accords with Nichiren Buddhism, the Buddhism of true cause. We cannot change the past. In this moment, however, with our thoughts, words, and actions, we are creating our future. In this moment, through our actions, we have the opportunity to change anything and everything. Isn’t that the meaning of true cause? We affect change by how we respond to our circumstances. For example, rather than an automatic negative response to difficult circumstances, we must, like the definition, “have a positive or favorable reaction” in order to create the outcome we are seeking.

Many of us think that if we don’t do anything the problem will just go away on its own. This is not the case. Even if it seemingly goes away temporarily, it comes back bigger and stronger.

President Ikeda explains: “The strength of our mind of faith changes suffering into joy, into a tailwind to propel our further advance. This is what the ‘Devadatta’ chapter teaches. Nichiren Daishonin says: ‘Devadatta was the foremost good friend to the Thus Come One Shakyamuni. In this age as well, it is not one’s allies but one’s powerful enemies who assist one’s progress’ (WND, 770). 

To attain Buddhahood, we have to thoroughly conquer our own inner evil. The concrete means for doing so is struggling against and defeating external evil. Struggling to defeat evil enables us to polish and purify our lives and attain Buddhahood. Because we strive against the ultimate evil, we attain the ultimate good” (The Wisdom of the Lotus Sutra, vol. III, p. 84).

In other words, the oneness of good and evil means that where evil exists, there is the potential for good, and where good exists, there is the potential for evil. Whether evil is transformed into something good is totally dependent upon our reaction to evil. Do we use our circumstances as a justification for our failure, or do we use our circumstances as an opportunity to develop our strength? When we challenge evil with the spirit that we will create something of value out of it, then evil functions to propel us forward. It becomes the catalyst for our growth. “If evil functions to reveal good, then evil in its entirety becomes good. This is truly the oneness of good and evil. But if evil is simply allowed to run its course, then it does not become good. Only when evil is thoroughly challenged and conquered does it become an entity of the oneness of good and evil” (The Wisdom of the Lotus Sutra, vol. III, p. 83).

Art by Seleus

In addition to our individual lives, this principle also applies to the situation we are facing with Nichiren Shoshu. We live during a historic time, a time when we have the opportunity to prove the correctness of Nichiren Buddhism by the way we respond. Nikken is changing Nichiren’s teachings by proclaiming, for example, that people can only attain enlightenment by going through him. Are we going to permit Nikken to change the teachings, or are we, through our efforts, going to ensure that everyone has the opportunity to practice Buddhism correctly as taught by Nichiren? Are we going to prove that Nikken is wrong by showing the undeniable growth of the lives of SGI members throughout the world?

Happiness, from the perspective of Nichiren Buddhism, is not a state of life in which there are no problems. Instead, happiness is to be found in challenging and winning over our problems. I believe that the happiness we seek is the feeling that occurs whenever we cross that finish line, in spite of the fact that our heart is pounding, our feet hurt, and our lungs feel as if they are about to explode. That feeling of triumph against all odds is a state of pure joy that no one can give us, no matter how much they might love us. It is a state that we can achieve only through our own efforts.

This state of happiness is also greatly enhanced through our efforts to help others. I continually find that whenever I do my best to encourage another person in faith, no matter how I am feeling, my life-condition is positively transformed. Giving to others expands our own lives in wonderful, sometimes unimaginable ways.

We must, therefore, perfect our practice for ourselves and for others. Both aspects are essential parts of our practice. Not only must we challenge our own weaknesses, we must use our lives to help others win. For example, do we take the responsibility to help our friends in faith have a victory? Do we pray to make this happen? Maximum growth requires that we perfect both parts of our practice.

In this regard, I must mention that I have recently met many members who are stuck in what I call a maintenance practice. They are comfortable, even if it means being comfortable with being uncomfortable. They have lost their seeking spirit, the will to seek out challenges. They have no personal goals. This is a dangerous condition because, from my own experience, it robs us of our passion and enthusiasm for life. We are not even aware of what is happening at first. By the time we are conscious that our lives are missing something, our apathy has become highly developed, and it seems almost impossible to change.

There is no neutral gear in life. We are either going forward or backward at every moment. We need goals. They make us alive and deepen our understanding of this Buddhism. After all, how can we see change if there is no standard by which to measure growth? Challenging and achieving goals are the means we use to prove to ourselves as well as to others the power of the Mystic Law.

I believe that the challenge facing every human being is the ability to truly love and believe in oneself. What I have learned as a result of facing my insecurities and fears during the process of writing this article is that I do not
need to rid myself of weakness. Instead, I must train myself to learn how to use it as my motivation to create positive change in my life. The power to make this possible is sincere prayer based on a powerful determination. Prayer makes what we normally would consider impossible into something possible.

I’m sure you are all familiar with the song “Wind Beneath My Wings.” Negativity self-centered-ness and obstacles can be the wind beneath our wings that propels us to soar even higher. Viewing challenges this way may require rethinking the way we live our lives. I am convinced, however, that living this way is the key to experiencing a joyflul, fulfilled existence; one in which we will come to know and believe that Nam myoho-renge-kyo is life itself.

Success is triumphing over challenges. We must challenge ourselves to do everything we think we cannot do. Only then will we truly come to know that we have nothing to fear because, with the Mystic Law as our foundation, we can transform any weakness into strength. That being so, I think you and I are perfect just the way we are.

Chanting to become a Woman of Unlimited Self-esteem

Danny Nagashima

                                  comicallyvintage.tumblr.com

Chanting to become a woman of unlimited self-esteem - is the best medicine. When Amy chanted that way, everything in her life changed.

You can analyze your situation all you want . . . you have to get to the root of why you don't believe in the greatness of our own life. You have to grab the 'doubt of your greatness' by the root, and yank it out of your life. You must chant to awaken to your greatness. Chant to appreciate and value your own life. The answer is probably simple. But, since we over-analyze our situation, it gets complicated and the solution seems farther away. When Amy followed Danny's guidance, it was unbelievable what she felt inside. Your mission as a Buddhist is to be happy – not master suffering. We have the negative part of us, and the positive part of us. There's a part of us that believes we can do it, and then the negative part says, 'Who are you kidding?'

You have to fight to not give into your negativity. This is not just about your being a writer, a doctor, a secretary, or whatever your profession maybe. It is about you becoming the woman you always wanted to become - a woman who really values your life. This is an amazing opportunity. THE OBSTACLES YOU FACE ARE THE ANSWER TO YOUR PRAYERS. Those feelings of self-doubt, chase those feelings away -- 'I'm just a scam artist, doctor, lawyer, etc., a failure. – Those feelings you have to face and then chase them away. How you feel about yourself -- that feeling of self-loathing, of not being good enough, of not answering the phone, because it may be someone you are accountable to professionally - those are feelings you have to face and then chase them away.

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Your talent is not the question. It's how you feel about yourself. This is karma. You need to value your own life, appreciate your own life . This has nothing to do with someone validating you. Amy said she followed her heart. She followed her Buddhahood and the effect from that, the benefit from that was MASSIVE. You have to follow your heart and truly treasure your life. When you sit in front of the Gohonzon, chant to have the most reverence for your life. The Gohonzon is the embodiment of your enlightened life. Your life deserves that kind of reverence. When Nichiren Daishonin inscribed the Dai-Gohonzon, he was chanting Daimoku already (out of the greatness of his own wisdom he inscribed the Dai-Gohonzon for all humanity) so everyone could relieve their own suffering.

IF YOU CAN CHANT FOR 2-WEEKS TO REALLY BE A WOMAN OF UNLIMITED SELF-ESTEEM, AND TO REALLY TRULY APPRECIATE YOUR LIFE, YOUR FLAWS, YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS, YOUR DEFEATS, YOUR LOSSES, YOUR VICTORIES, WHAT YOU HAVE CREATED, APPRECIATE YOUR TALENT - FOR 2 WEEKS—THEN EVERYTHING WILL CHANGE.

FORGET about all the past suffering in your life. That will just make you feel more impotent. Put it away. From now on, really chant about being a woman of unlimited self-esteem. Really appreciate everything from your life. – All the things about you, that make you incredibly unique and wonderful. And, remember that all the negative feelings – the heartaches—you will be able to use to inspire and help others. This is the suffering you need to share your experience and help others change. Focus on really, awakening your greatness. This is the opportunity you needed to go through, so that you can become outrageously successful. So you can fulfill your dreams. If you focus on this – really valuing your life now, then everything will fall into place. And, in a much bigger way—self worth and self-respect will emerge . And it is something no one can give you. The universe is showing you what you need to tackle.

When you first chant this way, a lot of negativity may come out of your life. Awful feelings may surface. Let it pass through you, like the flu. Transform the darkness. See the enlightened side of your fear. We always bring into our lives what matches our life condition, so don't fear it. Chant to feel incredible joy about your worth. When you get yourself to a place where you can absolutely see the miracle of your own life, the greatness of your own life, everything in your life will completely transform. We have to believe in our own Buddha nature. When we face the Gohonzon, we should say, 'I am going to praise my own wonderful life.'

It is important to awaken to our own greatness. Now is the time for you to start over. Your life is the Gohonzon! When you pray to a deity, your prayers are passive. Our lives are the Mystic Law. You must appreciate and value your own life. The Gohonzon is not outside of you. When you receive a benefit, it was you who created it. This is active prayer. You must awaken to your greatness. Believe in the greatness, in the magnificence of your own life. The Gohonzon is the manifestation of Nichiren Daishonin's enlightenment. Just as a beautiful piece of art elicits a response, or a great book touches your life in a certain way, we must elicit the Buddha nature from our own lives. It is right there. The Gohonzon is the perfect vehicle to bring out our greatest potential.

So, when you display your Buddhahood, bring out that strength, joy, that vibrant life condition, then you take that to the world and change the environment. We're not necessarily chanting for the house, the car, and the relationship . . . but we are chanting to elevate our life condition to attract that happiness . The results we see in our own lives are a reflection of our life condition. Every day, chant to manifest your Buddha nature consistently. Chant to rise above your basic tendency (I think mine is anger).

Chant with the expectation 'I WILL MANIFEST MY BUDDHAHOOD!' And that's what will arise. I create my own fortune. I am a Buddha, and I will manifest it everyday. I have to believe I deserve boundless happiness. The Buddha is who I really am. Every day I must manifest my Buddhahood and rise above the belief that I am a mere common mortal who does not deserve fortune in her life. Don't negate your life when you are in front of the Gohonzon. Don't beg, scream and don't berate the Gohonzon or your own life. The Gohonzon is the tool we need to bring out our Buddhahood. My life is the Gohonzon . Don't slander your life. I will fulfill every one of my dreams, for ME. We already possess something incredible – our Buddha nature, the Gohonzon. But sometimes we don't believe it.

But, we have everything we need to get us out of poverty, to transform our lives. But if I don't believe that the billion dollars (figure of speech for GREAT benefit) is mine, I won't be able to enjoy it. It is time to CASH THE CHEQUE. TRUST THAT THE GOHONZON IS THE ABSOLUTE MEANS FOR YOU TO TRANSFORM YOUR LIFE. TRUST IS THE KEY WORD. CHANT WITH THE EXPECTATION THAT EVERY ONE OF YOUR WILDEST DREAMS WILL BE FULFILLED BEYOND YOUR WILDEST IMAGINATION. CHANT TO BELIEVE IN YOUR BUDDHAHOOD. TRUST IN THE GREATNESS OF YOUR LIFE.

In 'On Attaining Buddhahood' Nichiren Daishonin makes the primary point – to free ourselves from the sufferings of birth and death we have endured in lifetime after lifetime and to attain absolute happiness we must awaken to the mystic truth that has always been within our lives – that truth is Nam-Myoho-Renge- Kyo. That truth is that I am a BUDDHA.

Amy got guidance to chant for the right man to come into her life for her happiness. It seemed too easy, she said. She questioned the guidance ''what if he is a midget? What if he is poor?'' But that day she met her husband. Trust the power of your Daimoku. Your life will be HUGE! Put your life first. Trust that ''billion-dollar check''(you are afraid to cash) does exist. Trust that you have EVERYTHING you need for your happiness – it is in the Gohonzon – it is in your life!

When you look at the Gohonzon know that you have exactly what you need to fulfill every prayer and become wildly, extraordinary happy!




Positive Discussion Points on Becoming Women of Unlimited Self Esteem

Ø Believe we can do it
Ø Fight to not give into negativity
Ø Become the woman you want to be
Ø Value your life
Ø Appreciate your life including your flaws
Ø Treasure your life
Ø Have reverence for your life
Ø Forget about the past sufferings in your life
Ø Believe that you are incredibly unique and wonderful
Ø Become outrageously successful at fulfilling your dreams
Ø Praise your own wonderful life
Ø Create your own benefit in your life
Ø Bring out our strength, joy and vibrant-life condition
Ø Believe in your own Buddha nature
Ø Realize that your life is the Gohonzon
Ø Manifest your extraordinary side
Ø Fulfill all of your dreams
Ø You have everything you need to transform your life

Negative discussion points on becoming Women of Unlimited self-esteem

Ø Not believing in our greatness
Ø Who are we kidding - we can't do it
Ø Feelings of self doubt
Ø Believing we are not good enough
Ø Self loathing
Ø Needing the validation of others
Ø I am a mere mortal who does not deserve fortune in my life
Ø Begging to, screaming to, or berating the Gohonzon/our own life
Ø I can't do it
Ø Holding on to past sufferings in our lives

Prayers to Enhance Becoming Women of Unlimited Self Esteem
Ø Chant to awaken to my greatness, my magnificence
Ø Chant to appreciate the value of my life
Ø Chant to be happy
Ø Chant to appreciate my talent
Ø Chant to feel incredible joy about my worth
Ø Chant to manifest my Buddha nature consistently
Ø Chant to rise about my basic negative tendency
Ø Chant to forget about the past garbage in my life
Ø Believe in my own Buddha nature
Ø Realize that my life is the Gohonzon
Ø Trust that the Gohonzon is the means to transform my life


Chant to become a woman of unlimited self-esteem

Every time you decide to put Love first it affects the energy of everyone and everything in your stratosphere. Hold a vision of Love with one-pointed concentration, and all that you've feared and resisted will change before you.